Monday, December 27, 2010

Who is Uncle Kenny ?

A master of scullduggery and attempted buggery,
Uncle Kenny invented the up-skirt camera, one-way glass, software pirating, the nipple ring, all capitalized e-mails, and the loud muffler. 

His life has been dedicated to things that irritate men and women of a gentle nature.  He abhors talk of endorphins, moderation, and political correctness.  He feeds his dogs raw potatoes and horse meat.  Sometimes he sticks a dollop of peanut butter in their mouths, lights a smoke, and watches them struggle to get the sticky butter out of the ridges in the roof of their mouth.  He calls his lady friend, Fattypants, and he never takes her out in public.  They stay at her place, eat, smoke hand-rolled, Indian cigarettes and watch rented videos.  Once in a while they play Monopoly, but Kenny cheats and always wins or makes Fattypants cry.

He spends many hours watching old video tapes that he bought at a clearance sale when they closed an adult book store after a mysterious fire burned off the second floor and roof. 

Kenny goes out to the Quick Stop a couple of times a day for smokes and and pint bottles of fortified wine.  He eats cheese crackers and Milky Ways, chased with ice cold muscatel or tap water with a lemon wedge in it.   

Kenny doesn't drive at all.  He rides the bus, or borrows his neighbor's bike.  He never washes his feet or clips his toenails.  His toenails are long and yellow and grow over and under each toe. He dares someone to see him barefoot.

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