Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Cousin Luke's bladder.

Cousin Luke

...had such a nervous bladder, he couldn't even pee in front of himself. He had to squeeze his eyes, tight, and hope that he wouldn't miss his mark.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The ****** Card

Play cards? Next time you pull a card - that is if you are in a position that calls for drastic measures, pull a card.

. Pull the race card.
. Pull the sexual preferences card.
. Pull the insanity card.
. Pull my wife hid my meds card.
. Pull I was on drugs/alcohol/card.
. Pull the religious faith card.
. Pull the "they beat me and tortured me" card.
. Pull the I was from a broken home card.
. Pull the "My Uncle diddled me" card.
. Pull the "I ate too many Twinkies" card...or use all of them at the same time. I am an insane, Native Alaskan, transexual. My life partner hid my Paxil when she thought it was my methadone. She did this when I was at the Mosque praying for the salvation of the soul of my cruel parents, my absentee father and my uncle who molested me when he caught me stealing, then gorging on his case of Twinkies.


I wrote this some time ago, but it's most relevant today, since another of my colleagues has proved to be a procrastinator...a champion of procrastination...a veritable czar of procrastination. He should have a tattoo that reads "Manana" on his head.

I am a single man. I care for two pets, my house, my yard, repairs, maintenance, my shopping, cooking, sewing and laundry. I do my own auto maintenance, house painting, cleaning and renovation. I have no outside or inside help.

People wonder how I can get so many things done, including taking four college-level classes during the last couple of months. How? I don't procrastinate, I don't sit and stare out the window or at my belly-button, I don't spend hours picking lint off my dick, and I don't waste my time by being hypnotized by the boob tube. I get up early and work, undisturbed, for several hours every day. Rain, shine or snow--during weekends and holidays. No day is different than the rest. I love what I do, and I do what I love.

[Background: Article on Structured Procrastination. What is procrastination and WHY do people procrastinate - from Univ. of Cambridge: See, also: One of the reasons people procrastinate is fear of success. Why do people fear success? See: ]


I am always amazed at the dipshitz that refer to themselves as GURUS of some kind. Some are hair and nail gurus, others refer to themselves as computer gurus, etc. The only guru they know is the guru in their shorts. A REAL GURU never refers to him or herself as a guru. They either ARE or they ARE NOT. Wakeup, pissants!

Engineers for the most part, are un-creative, stupid, and narrow-minded.

I know a lot of engineers. Most of them are not very creative. They are so locked into their process of doing things that the miss the obvious or are stubborn boneheads.

Over the last ten years I have interacted with about fifty of them, and most of them aren't worth one-quarter of a bright. liberal arts major. They should think about, read, and so something outside of their field. Give it a try.

They might learn how to problem solve and think a little more creatively. I'd rather work with a stoned lit major than an engineer. -U.K.

Mark Zuckerberg - Gotta Hand It To The Little Fucker | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Mark Zuckerberg - Gotta Hand It To The Little Fucker | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "Mark Zuckerberg -
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Monday, December 27, 2010

Who is Uncle Kenny ?

A master of scullduggery and attempted buggery,
Uncle Kenny invented the up-skirt camera, one-way glass, software pirating, the nipple ring, all capitalized e-mails, and the loud muffler. 

His life has been dedicated to things that irritate men and women of a gentle nature.  He abhors talk of endorphins, moderation, and political correctness.  He feeds his dogs raw potatoes and horse meat.  Sometimes he sticks a dollop of peanut butter in their mouths, lights a smoke, and watches them struggle to get the sticky butter out of the ridges in the roof of their mouth.  He calls his lady friend, Fattypants, and he never takes her out in public.  They stay at her place, eat, smoke hand-rolled, Indian cigarettes and watch rented videos.  Once in a while they play Monopoly, but Kenny cheats and always wins or makes Fattypants cry.

He spends many hours watching old video tapes that he bought at a clearance sale when they closed an adult book store after a mysterious fire burned off the second floor and roof. 

Kenny goes out to the Quick Stop a couple of times a day for smokes and and pint bottles of fortified wine.  He eats cheese crackers and Milky Ways, chased with ice cold muscatel or tap water with a lemon wedge in it.   

Kenny doesn't drive at all.  He rides the bus, or borrows his neighbor's bike.  He never washes his feet or clips his toenails.  His toenails are long and yellow and grow over and under each toe. He dares someone to see him barefoot.

Uncle Kenny has returned

Watch this space for more scathing news.  It will itch like hell when it dries out !!